May 16

May 16 Should I Run For President?

Hello strangers,

You don’t know me, but you will.

I’ve been working on a book that you want to read. But, unfortunately for you, an opportunity to read my fantastic collection of fiction might never emerge…unless…I run for president. So, allow me to reintroduce myself: I’m Heleanor. And I’m announcing my candidacy to be the President of the United States.

Why am I running for president? Me, a totally inexperienced former blogger, whose only claim to fame is outing Joel Osteen as a tacky charlatan. Me, an erstwhile content creator, a headline writer, a troll? I’m running for president because I have an Everest of debt (why do you think I’ve chosen to publish with a pen name?), several hundred unpaid parking tickets (drive fast, or don’t drive at all), potential children to send to potential schools with potential bribes, an appetite for fois gras (now legal in California), and an insatiable hankering for a book deal. You see, content creators are a dime a dozen these days, and I’ve learned a little secret about the race to save American democracy—it’s the HOV lane to a book deal. Ask Nikki Haley, fellow debtors prison inmate, former UN Ambassador, and anti-pantsuit crusader. She got a book deal for quitting! A writer’s dream! Bernie Sanders, septuagenerian, former aspiring novelist, and Destroyer of Capitalism, ran for president, lost, and got a best-selling book out of it! You, too, can be a millionaire if only you wrote a best seller.

Well, I have written a best seller. Trust me, it’s good. My editor (my “partner") thinks is good, so it must be good. The trouble is, no one wants to publish it. And while I’ve never been too beguiled by the limelight, I’m willing to give it a whirl if it means the world can finally read my novel.

Presidential candidates, I’m told, though apparently that tall goober from El Paso didn’t get the memo, must offer a digestible list of their “aspirational” vision for America so that later, when they lose (or win), they can be held accountable for all the ways they failed to adhere to this platform. Luckily, in addition to writing a book, I’ve also dabbled in the realm of manifesto writing. Please see the below for my vision for a better, smarter, fitter, faster, prettier, America:

Vaping, plastic, fast food, scooters, juice cleanses, Nootropics, JoJo Siwa, and push notifications, are 86ed.
No one over the age of 80 can hold a position in government (Sayonara Diane Feinstein, crusty old hag).
Not voting is illegal, unless you are over the age of 85.
All Instagram influencers must serve in the army for 5 years. Deserters will be given swirlies.
Exxon, BP, Shell, and Chevron must dig a hole the size of Monaco in the Texas desert, in which they will pour their remaining oil supply. Executives of all companies will be pushed in this vat of prehistoric waste and left to fend for themselves. Dawn detergent cannot rescue them, or wipe them off. Vultures and rats will eventually be released into the sludge pool.
All dams will be destroyed allowing rivers to be restored to their natural paths.
All current and ex-prisoners can vote and also eat politicians who argue they shouldn’t be able to vote.
All politicians must go directly to jail for an indeterminate amount of time. Without passing go or collecting $200.
We pay reparations using money seized from the Trump Organization, Berkshire Hathaway, Koch Industries, the Sacklers, Ray Dalio’s eugenist hedge fund, the Clinton Foundation, and so much more!
Everyone gets $10,000 a year to spend on whatever they want (even weed!).
The death penalty is over EXCEPT in cases where an elected official voted in favor of the death penalty.
Social Media Conglomerates can no longer run ads on their platforms.
Social Media Executives must live stream the rest of their lives on cameras that inescapably placed throughout (all of) their properties. If they do not want to participate in the livestream, they must abdicate their positions and sell all their shares for 21 cents on the dollar.
Women can have whatever jobs they want (not including NFL quarterback, because football is also 86ed).
Executives of Wells Fargo, Chase, Bank of America, Citi, JP Morgan, etc., must atone for their sins by playing a game of lethal Monopoly in which the losers get the guillotine and the winner also gets the guillotine, just last.